When relationships go south….

Maybe relationships in the past, or relationships with people that you feel like have gone really well, or maybe going somewhat well, and all of a sudden, something causes that relationship to go really south and then possibly that relationship has even ended.

Maybe, at times, you’ve had relationships where everything was going good and then that individual just pretty much decided to go away and you have no clue why, didn’t say anything, and it stings a little bit when that’s happened.

How do we react to that? How can we prepare ourselves for those types of relationships that when they end, how do we react to that?

In a way, it’s really that kind of form of rejection where people decide that you are not enough value to them, or they get their feelings hurt, and they take their toys and go somewhere else, so to speak.

Brandy and I just came home, and a lot of you saw maybe some broadcasts that we did from this event – it was called Smart Success Live, which is a live event version of an online academy that we do with Chalene Johnson, many people know her from workout DVDs. She’s actually in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most workout DVDs, which we always kind of thought was funny.  But she has more recently transitioned in to the whole business arena of mentorship. That’s always been her heart, but over the past 5/6 years she really pushed into that arena and is a brilliant businesswoman.

One of the speakers at the event talked about the fear of rejection. He asked the question –“How many people in this room have had at least one person in their life reject them to the point that it really affected you as an individual and maybe even defined you in certain ways as an individual or in your own mind defined you in a certain way?” And of course, the vast majority of the room raised their hands and said you know, “yeah, I’ve had people in my life that have rejected me to that point where it really, really affected me in a negative way.”

He said “Okay, how many people have had at least 3 people do that in your life – have rejected you to the point where it really was almost a defining moment in your life?” And so a smaller portion raised their hand but still a significant amount of people in that room, and this room was full, about 1300 people or more.

Then he asked the question “How many people have had more than 3, maybe 5?” And of course, a smaller portion raised their hands, but still a lot of people. Then 7, same thing, the trend kind of started going down a little bit, and then 10, and so on.

When he got to 10, it was just a small handful, I think he counted 6 people in the whole room of 1300 people that in some way had someone reject them to the point that it really changed their lives.

And maybe you can think of someone in your life that has affected you in that way, rejected you in some way, shape or form, maybe rejected an idea that you had, that was a brilliant idea, and they told you no, and just laughed at it, and maybe didn’t really communicate with you in a way that was positive. And it really hurt you deeply, and again to the point that it affected who you were or who you felt you were or how you perceived yourself.

I’m sure we can all, at some point, raise our hand and say ok, we’ve had at least one of those people in our life. And I have, I’ve had several people in that situation, and I could have allowed it to dictate who I am, but thankfully, over time, I learned to not do that.

The speaker said he conducted this particular test where he asked how many people on average had affected you or rejected you in such a way that it defined who you were, and he said the average was about 5 people. He said “Guys, look around in this room. There are 1300 people in this room. So let’s just round that down to a 1000. Let’s just give it a nice little round number, right? Out of this room, let’s say the average is still consistent, and 5 people out of these 1,000 people have rejected you in some way, shape or form. Guess what? The other 995 people think you’re good! They have no problem with you! And they haven’t said anything or done anything, and they accept you just for who you.

So how many people have you encountered in the course of your day? Let’s say 100 people in a day. What would be the average for that? Maybe a couple of people.  But you need to understand something. If that average remains true, let’s just say that is a good, fairly accurate statistic, if 5 out of every 1,000 people you encounter have an issue with you, guess what that means – the other 995 people out of that average don’t! They think you’re good. So those other 5 people in all likelihood – they are the ones that suck! They are the ones that have the issue. Not you. Because the other 995 have no problem with you at all.

So why in the world will we be concerned about the 5 out of the 995 that don’t have a problem with you, right?

When you talk about the fear of rejection,  that is something that the average teenager deals with, and if you have graduated high school or if you’re out of high school age, why are you worried about that at all?  Think about this. There are only about 4 people in my life who I really care what they think about me. And those people are my wife, my parents (my mother and father) and my brother. That’s it.

Everybody else – they can have a problem with me. Ultimately, I don’t care. Why? Because I know myself enough to know who I am, my heart, and where I’m coming from.

99% of the people out there that we work with and talk with and communicate with, have no problem with us. But all of a sudden, for whatever reason, that 1 individual has a problem and just decides that we are the scum of the earth. Now, we could let that define us, but bottom line is, we don’t. Because everybody else doesn’t, and even if they did, we know our hearts better.

We have confidence. And one of the things Chalene has you do is build what you call a confidence file or an evidence file, so to speak, about who you are to yourself and how you have positively affected other people. And I encourage you to do this because this is what helped me today with an interaction unfortunately that went south. Again, I can let that define me, or I can go back in my mind to the evidence file that I built up in my head and in my life from these other people who I’ve communicated with, and say you know what? I do listen, I am valuable to these people because I’ve meant something to them, because they’ve told me so.

When you know who you are, when you know what you mean to other people, and if you don’t know what you mean to other people, guess what, go and ask those people you feel closest with, and ask them in private conversation for an honest opinion: “How have I affected you? Have I affected you in some way, shape or form, positively, in such a way that has helped you tremendously or even a little bit?” Build that file up in your mind.

How are we going to react to those people that reject us or those people that decide that they no longer want anything to do with us, so when that relationship goes south we know how to deal with it.  Bottom line is, you have to bless and release them.

You may feel completely betrayed by someone, but there’s people that you’re going to work with in your life that you feel like everything’s going great, and then all of a sudden, stuff just goes south, and you feel like they should know better, but they don’t. They question your integrity and possibly even your worth, so how do you deal with them? Basically again, you look back at that evidence that you have in your life, of how you’ve affected other people. If you don’t have that, go and ask people “How have I helped you?” Then when these situations happen, you just bless and release them, you let them go, because basically, you want people in your life who are on the same mission as you.

Bryan Martin